Gravity is Overrated

Personally, I think it's time we did away with gravity. I mean, what has it really done for us? Keep us from floating away? You don't think that we would have figured out how to stop that from happening? Even cave men could have held onto rocks. Bed made, I says.

As a fellow human, I'm appalled that we haven't done more to remove ourselves from this g-force slavery. I mean, we've put a hole in the ozone layer, destroyed rainforests, flooded the oceans with dinosaur goo, put hundreds of species out of business...how come we haven't done something to screw up the hold gravity has on us? Hang your heads in collective shame, evil scientist community.

Maybe all we need is someone to set a goal for this to happen. Very well--i am offering 100 million dollars to the first person who can stop gravity from happening for one whole day. That's right--that's almost 101 million dollars I'm offering for the person who can bring this force of nature to justice.

For me, the last straw came yesterday, when I fell down the stairs for the 18th time in my life. This one was particularly rough, as my back had just recently recovered from a rogue laundry basket taking its revenge. Now, I have a manhole sized bruise that stems from my "sitbone" to the middle of my back. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it. just. hurts. I for one am TIRED of gravity throwing me down a flight of stairs once every two years just so it can feed its fragile ego. Not to mention that it has constantly and consistently kept me off of all varsity basketball teams I have tried out for, even though I can make it rain from 18 feet.

So, if you're an evil scientist, and you've just needed a push to finish that anti-gravity ray, here it is. Submit all plans to the comments section of this blog. All entries that don't incorporate my name in the title will not be considered. I want gravity's last thought to be, "I can't believe McBanks got the better of me." Like the warden in Shawshank.