Why Can't I Stop Getting Involved in Stupid, Bicycle-Centric Arguments?

If there is one thing that impresses me about the Washington DC police department (hereafter known by it's Christian name: MPD),  is that it genuinely strives to keep my neighborhood engaged and informed on what is going on with both the bad (CRIME!) and the Good (ARRESTS!). To that end, they have established a yahoo! newsgroup individualized for my area, which allows citizens to voice their concerns to the police and to their neighbors about what they are encountering on a daily basis.

Posts can range from "I saw police activity around 1:30 am on my block--what was that about?" to "I heard gunshots" to "I heard the corner grocery was robbed, any arrests or description of the suspects available?". Posts that are almost immediately followed by a response from someone at the local police department, which usually go something like, "We were arresting someone on your street, that's why you heard all the fuss", or "Yup, those were gunshots. Police Investigating.", or "No suspects as of yet, but your local grocer was pretty shaken up--maybe bring him a cup of coffee and see how he's doing."

The other day, there was a post on this newsgroup with the title: "Cyclist Struck". The OP went on to talk about how this seems to happen on a daily basis, and what can MPD and citizens do so that bicycles and cars can learn to play nice together. (not REALLY sure this kind of thing happens on a daily basis, but...).

This post was followed by a dozen or so of my neighbors chiming in, with such enlightened comments as "Cyclists belong on the sidewalk", to "It is usually the cyclists fault that the car slammed into them" to "Bicyclists are reckless", to my personal favorite, "Cyclists sometimes ride directly in front of me instead of staying on the side of the road where they belong."

I should've just let all this nonsense go. But no, I had to go and write a 5000 word rebuttal on the subject, asserting a cyclist's legal right to the road here in our nation's capital, and of their rights to ride in the CENTER of any lane narrower than 11 feet (which is almost 90% of traffic lanes here in DC) if they feel like it, and, basically that motorists should ride a bike and then they would understand why cyclists occasionally run red lights and split lanes, as it is usually the SAFEST THING WE CAN DO TO AVOID GETTING HIT BY SOME JOKER DRIVING HIS SUV WHILE DRINKING COFFEE, EATING A TACO AND SEXTING HIS MISTRESS ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I may have signed it: "Take that, anti-bicycling dorks!"

I hit send and triumphantly awaited a response. Let them TRY and contradict me, I told myself! I had charts and graphs at the ready to support my assertions, highway accident statistics from 1990-2010 to cite, as well as the president of Trek bicycles on hold, should I need his counsel.

This is my version of courteous, online debate. I am a doofus.

About an hour later, someone from the MPD simply posted this link:
http://www.dc.gov/DC/DDOT/On+Your+Street/Bicycles+and+Pedestrians/Bicycles/DC+Common+Enforcement+Errors+Involving+Bicyclists

Which pretty much made all my points, without the added trouble of making the poster look like an irrational prick. So you know...I feel much shame.

Bread and the Obvious

If I were a billionaire, I would travel the world and go on a pied-a-terre shopping spree across all seven continents (yes even Antarctica. Because I could, bitches). Then, I would establish a foundation. The foundation would have two missions.

The foremost mission of the foundation would be to put an end to child soldiery. Because it is utterly inhumane, that's why. Especially because the practice almost always involves the demonic first step of kidnapping the soon-to-be child soldier, or the killing of his/her parents. Many times, it is both. So, you know, something to think about on this Monday afternoon, just in case your ship comes in before mine does.

Oh yeah...its second mission would be to provide definitive, scientific proof that a diet low in carbohydrates, instead of being part of a healthy lifestyle, actually causes some sort of dementia and/or bad skin and/or superfluous toe growth. Because I so desperately want it to be true.

I mean...I really like to bake and eat bread. However, because I am trying to avoid becoming the largest mammal ever, I can't do either as often as I would like. Which is like, everyday. Ah well...

Here's an example of my most recent baking exploits:

It's a boule!

It was good. A sometimes food homemade bread shall remain, but I can dream about living in a post carbo-phobic society, can't I? 

A Sinister Motive

Recently, the author of The Bacalhau Chronicles forwarded me a piece written by Katie Notopoulos over at BuzzFeed. The title of the article is: The 18 Worst Things for Left Handed People. The author then goes on to name various things that give southpaws a hard time, from the flawed design of spiral notebooks to a complete dirth of left handed can openers. All in all, it was a pretty complete list, and a funny reminder that most everything in this world is designed by right-handed men. (Left Handed Women of the World, UNITE!)

(The Lord Helps Those Lefties That Help Themselves)

I read this with some interest, as I, myself, am a left handed American. And, you wanna know a secret? Being a lefty RULES. Here's just a few examples of why being left handed is such a pleasure, in no particular order:

• Great Nickname! - Since only 1 in 7 human beings are left handed, there's a chance that your circle of right handed friends may bestow upon you the nickname of  "Lefty". Which is the second coolest nickname ever, right behind "Red". Wear it proudly.
  
• Sir Paul McCartney - The greatest Beatle is one of the tribe. That always makes me smile when I think upon it. Not really sure why.
  
• Willie and Waylon never recorded a song called "Poncho and Righty"- And they never will.
  
• Lefties Can Actually USE their Right hands, whereas Right handers...well... - Put it this way: if an average right handed person manages to hold their coffee in their left hand, take a sip, and not spill hot liquid all over themselves, they will immediately sit down and write an Iliad-style epic poem about it, giving themselves the power of flight and perfect balance in their allegorial retelling of the accomplishment. 

It's this last point that I am most proud of. Lefties have managed to thrive in a right handed world. All without the need, for the most part, of specialized equipment. 

The point being: we shouldn't undermine this accomplishment with the airings of our petty grievances, which makes us lefties look weak and uncoordinated in the eyes of the majority. Our motto should always be: no left-handed scissors? No problem! 

I will say though, that spiral bound notebooks were forged by Lucifer himself. 

Weather-ocolypse (or Why Travel is a Curse)

I don't pay attention to the weather. At all. Don't have a thermometer anywhere on the property. Not particularly curious enough to covet one. Don't watch the Weather Channel.

If you were to ask me what the weather is supposed to be like on any given day, I will smile, excuse myself from your company, go look out the closest window, and report back that it "looks nice out", most likely.

My default settings for weather commenting are as follows:

• Nice - This covers temperatures that feel like they are in the 40-93 degree area, no precipitation.
• Hot - This covers temperatures that feel like they are above 93 degrees, no precipitation.
• Cold - Any temperature that feels like it is below 40.
• Wet - When precipitation has fallen, be it snow, rain, sleet, or miscellaneous.
• Fucked Up - This covers weather that can be categorized as extreme. Like pornography, you know it when you see it.

This past year has seen a disturbing amount of weather in that last category. Take yesterday, par example. I was just your average American Business Man, trying to return home from my American Business Man related Business Trip. Things were going smoothly until, out of the blue, I get marooned in Charlotte for 5 hours. 'Cause Thor gotta hijack the entire east coast with lightning and hail and wind storms. You know, just so He can feel like a BIG MAN.

OOH, I am SO impressed, God of Thunder and/or Wind and/or Hail. Why don't you just buy a sportscar and leave the rest of us alone, you insecure, immortal prick you.

(Get a life, you Norse asshole)

  
Maybe I'm overreacting. After all, the weather here in DC has gone from "Hot" to "Nice" overnight. So that's something.

Things I Have Been Paying Attention to Instead of This

I admit it--I am a person given to enthusiasms. When something grabs my fancy, I tend to throw myself into the subject until I reach a certain level of proficiency or understanding, only then to move onto the next hobby. I like to think of my interests as a line of spinning plates--I take the time to get one really going, then move onto the next one. Occasionally, I get distracted, and some of my hobbyplates stop spinning and crash to the ground. As has happened with this interweb online journal space you are reading right now.

So, you know. Oops. Time to sweep up the shards, pull a new plate out of the bubble wrap, and get 'er moving again.

I haven't exactly been idle since last posting. Here are some examples of the demands upon my time:

BABYMANIA!!
Since I last wrote in this space, no less than 5 couples really close to my heart (including two in my immediate family circle) have become preggers. Some have delivered, some are ready to pop, and one has just recently gotten on the pregnancy highway. So, between baby showers, shopping for baby toys, and trying to keep tabs on the baby bjorn vs.ERGO baby debate, I have been distracted, to say the least. In a really wonderful way.

MUSIC!! (BRASS DIVISION)
I have recently been playing alot of trombone. Talk about a hobbyplate that had stopped spinning--Before this year, it had been, oh, I dunno, 10 years since I picked up the olde sackbut. So long, in fact, that the Velogirl had never seen me play it. A situation that is eerily reminiscent of that passage in "To Kill A Mockingbird" where Scout learns that Atticus is handy with a rifle. Although, full disclosure: I have never destroyed a rabies infected animal with my trombone. Year ain't over, though.

MUSIC!! (GUITAR DIVISION)
Two Developments: The first is that I have thrown away all of my guitar picks. I just like the sound of a bare right hand on the strings--sounds warmer and more personal. I ain't a shredder anyways. A real come to Jesus year in that regard.

The second development is that I have decided that I should write more music with the guitar, and record myself for my own personal satisfaction. Since I am not a talented songwriter, every note and phrase comes very slowly. Like, at a song every six months type of pace. Here's a recent example of my efforts, all instrumental like, recorded on my phone in one take on a sunny afternoon. Remember: Judge not, lest ye be an asshole (if link don't work, and you're interested, just cut and paste):

http://www.tunescoop.com/play/313234323530/the-gman-mp3

GOLF!!
The golf bug has bitten, and it has bitten hard. In the past year, I have had a "Music Man" moment with the game, in that I employed the "think method" in regards to my swing (mostly to do with my tempo). Once I picked up a club this spring for the first time in about 7 years, I had discovered that I can hit the ball farther and straighter and more consistently then I ever did before. I guess I just needed time to unlearn all the glitches in my swing. Take that Hank Haney.