City Life--My Week with Jon Stewart Edition

DC and her residents are generally immersed in national politics and her ugly stepsister, the pundit, throughout the year. Which, shouldn't surprise anyone. You know, because it's the national capital or something that's perceived to be equally important. For the most part, it becomes a normal thing for locals to see these talking heads having a sushi lunch on 19th street, or getting take out from the Spy Museum cafe. And, for the most part, these folks are just left to their stuffed shirt, hyper-reactive ways.

But then, Jon effin Stewart hits town with his "Daily Show". Cue the liberal half of this town (read: the folks who actually live IN the District) going absolutely batshit crazy. Like, wait in line for 4 hours so they can sit in the front row of the taping nuts. Count the Velogirl and I among the batty. As I am a tree hugging socialist, and the Velogirl is a little more left wing and radical. So, imagine our excitement when we were able to attend Tuesday's taping. WOOT!

(Welcome to DC Jon!)

Not to bore everyone with the details of what goes into the taping of the show, but it was really interesting to see how all the lighting and staging were put together, how the cameras all move around, and how effing FUNNY Jon Stewart and John Oliver are in person. I mean, legitimately laugh out loud funny.

I mean, I consider m'self to be a funny sort of chap. But, there's a HUGE difference between professional funny and "make your drunk friends sort of smile at one of your inane observations" funny. I am, by all accounts firmly in the latter camp, in what I dub the "Gentleman Comedian" category. For, like more than a few turn of the century sportsmen, who deemed playing a game for money to be a coarse and vulgar activity, I am content to maintain my amateur status in comedy. Plus, I don't, you know, have any experience in ACTUALLY making strangers laugh. Moving on...

In a nutshell, Jon Stewart has taken this town by storm. Not since Mr. Obama moved into the White House has there been this much "holy SHIT, he's HERE!" excitement surrounding anyone in this town. This excitment will no doubt lead up to his "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" which is taking place this weekend, and which, you guessed it!, the VeloGirl and I will be attending. I am hoping that Colbert is dressed like Dracula.

Fall--Classic!

I'm not sure what happened this weekend. Maybe someone slipped an optimism pill into my "Roy Rogers" this weekend (exactly like a shirley temple in every way, but for BOYS. I'm a Boy.), but I am feeling a fresh start coming on. Look out world, here I come!

Of course, anytime the weather starts to change, I seem to take on some new perspective and/or optimism. Plus, I start to notice parallels in society that echo this change. Take the World Series for instance. I mean, Texas v. San Fran? Now that's a FRESH match-up, wouldn't you say? I can't remember the last time we had a situation where both leagues sent darkhorse candidates to battle for that ugly ass trophy. Hmm...thinking...thinking...maybe that White Sox v. Houston series in 2005? Texas kind of reminds me of that White Sox team--they are on the magic carpet ride, getting great pitching and timely hitting. I dunno, it's not a perfect metaphor. If you want real analysis, I think ESPN may have a website or something, so maybe type those letters into your google machine and see what comes up.

Anyways, I think Texas wins, and wins pretty easily. I'll say Texas in 5. Cliff Lee is the MVP, and he wins games one and four. Really going out on a limb, I know. Anyways, I'm excited to watch. I kinda like both teams, but San Fran just seems a little too patchwork in the field to be champions. I know my Philly relatives would disagree with me today.

Lest you think it's all going to be roses all the time from here on out, there is one fall related item that I am not too thrilled with. It is the amount of scary movies on TV and in the theaters at this time of year, hoping to cash in on that halloween fad. Let me make this clear: I am a scared-y cat. I hate scary movies, they give me nightmares. There was a time in my life when I was scared of the board game "Clue". And no, I don't think I'm less of a man because I don't want to pay someone to frighten me. I get enough fear and anxiety in my everyday life, thank you very much. No need to pile on more just for fun.

For those of you who love to be scared, why not just go whole hog, follow Inspector Clousseau's lead and hire a manservant to hide in your house every night when you come home?


Now, to go hone my judo skills.

The Thursday List of Grievences

I know I ain't been writing real regularly lately. I need to set my editorial schedule, and I just haven't yet. I know, I know...it's been 4 months since I started this thing, but to be fair to me--I'm real flaky. But, expect regular posts on both concrete and absurd topics starting on Monday. Moving on...

I LOVE fall. But, even the crisp air, combined with the abundance of sweet, crunchy, in-season apples can't keep me from calling out certain areas in society I feel aren't pulling their weight. So, without further ado, here's my semi-random, caffeine fueled list of nouns that bug me more than they really should:

• Glee--Not the entire show. Just one little thing. During all of their singing montages that take place in that rehearsal space, they never, NEVER close the door to the hallway. That means, the whole school can hear them all the time. No wonder Sue has a grudge against them. Writing as someone who has spent many high school and collegiate hours in practice rooms, etiquette dictates that you CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR! I don't know why this bothers me. It's not like this show tries to be realistic. But, can you imagine trying to teach English across the hall while that one raven-haired oversinger of a she-wolf warbles out another Barbara Streisand song so loudly that it feels like she's in the room? It would be gun-in-mouth time.

• Wayne Rooney--The star of Manchester United now wants to leave Old Trafford for...anywhere else. Let me be clear: I don't like him. Never have. And, I don't care if he ever plays football ever again. But, he's clogging up all the analysis and headlines on all my favorite soccer related websites, and that DOES grate on my nerves. So, here's the deal Wazza: you make a decision on where you want to go as soon as possible, and I promise NEVER to read another word about your accomplishments, nor mention your name in any conversation I may have in the future. Deal?

• Tim McCarver--I love baseball. I love the baseball playoffs. But, I can't watch any televised game that features that partnership of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Un-listen-able. Just absolutely makes me regret watching the game. The mute button would be an option, but part of the fun of watching playoff baseball is the crowd. So, in other words, I'm screwed.

• Bill Simmons--It's not the "Sports Guy's" fault. He just loves NBA basketball. And I would mostly rather have my eyes rubbed with a Tabasco soaked rag than be forced to watch an entire regular season game. Yet, I check in with him from time to time, hoping that he won't have any 100 minute, two part podcasts that break down each individual NBA team in detail. But, that is just simply naive and foolish on my part. Yet I still get angry, because I remember all the times we used to have when he would write about the Red Sox more than once a year. Ah well.

• Ricotta Cheese--I still like lasagna, but the last few times I've had a slice in the past three years, I've been struck by how much LESS I like the ricotta in there. It's a little grainy and gloopy. Maybe it's just the cheap-o brand I buy. Who knows.

This ends this month's list of grievances. And, feel free to add your own in the comments portion. Let's be cranky together!

I am Karma's Main Squeeze

Sometimes, life throws you a series of seemingly random, fantastically depressing happenings. But then, after you look back at the big picture, it turns out that it all fits into a larger, comically pleasing frame. Or, at least, it makes JUST enough sense. So that, you know, you don't start internalizing all of life's little failures and end up punching a random stranger in the face to alleviate some stress. Not that I've thought about striking anyone in particular. Today.

Take this past weekend, par example. The Velogirl and I have really been feeling the back of our fair city's hand as of late. So, we decided to treat ourselves to a day trip in the country. The plan was to take a trip out to Gettysburg, walk through the park and watch the leaves change with the Wonderdog, maybe pick up a punkin and some cider at a roadside orchard on the way home. Pretty much your quintessential fall experience. We even mentioned our nerdy itinerary to our less nerdy yet understanding friends on Friday. But, as Al Swearingen once said, "Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh."

(The man himself in one of his quieter moments. I miss that show. So. Effing. Much. Photo Courtesy of UGO.com)

You see, there was this issue with the automobile. Because we are a carless tribe, we decided to rent ourselves one of those compact cars, the kind that get 40 miles to the gallon and you can park in the city. In other words, the kind of car I would own if I wanted to count a gas-powered wheelchair among my possessions. (ZING! Take THAT, car culture!)

So, we went down to our local AVIS to pick the car up on Saturday morning. There is no place on EARTH more depressing than a car rental counter on a beautiful weekend day. When we walked in, we were greeted by two staff members and their dead, soul-less eyes. You know what i'm talking about. The kind of eyes that say, "I don't give a shit WHAT kind of great day you have planned and are excited to start. You get what I say you get, when I say you get it. My life sucks, ergo, YOUR MORNING WILL SUCK!".

Or, at least that's what I got from them. I could only bring myself to look into them for a second.

Well, the Velogirl heads up to the counter, announces we have a reservation, hands over some ID, and then is told to have a seat. The only seats available are across from the only other guy waiting for a car at this point. So we sit. And wait. And wait. And wait. And I have a birthday. And we wait. You get the picture.

Finally...Finally! The guy calls our name. He says, "They just pulled your car up, it's the first car in the row around the corner." So, we head out there, turn the corner, and see this:

What. The. Fuck. This isn't a compact. In fact, of all the cars in the universe, this may be the one that would be most diametrically opposed to a compact car on the wheel of transportation. On top of that, it's so goddamn ugly I can't even imagine sitting in it. It looks like the car that took second place in the "design a whale" contest at the Rhode Island School of the Blind. Closer examination reveals that it is a late model Mercury Grand Marquis. My mistake then.

The Velogirl looks at me, and I start laughing. Then, we head back to the AVIS folks to let them know their horrible, funny mistake. Turns out, it's "the only car they have." I LOVE it when rental car companies pull that shit. Reservations mean nothing--Seinfeld pretty much knocked that thought thread out of the park, so I'll leave that point to the professional.

So, what can we do? We've waited so long for this car, that if we don't take it, our entire weekend plan is shot to hell. So, we load up the Marquis and head for God's country. Only, by this time, it's too late to really make a day of it in Gettysburg, so we decide to head out a little closer to home and to do some hiking near Catoctin Mountain. It's a beautiful day, sun peeking through the trees as we walk, and the Wonderdog is about as happy as I've seen him since, well, his last walk. That dog loves his walk the way a sailor loves his rum.

We finish our hike and head back to the (dry cough) car when we spy a family of 4 sitting at the trailhead, looking confused and bewildered. Maybe even flummoxed. Turns out, they hiked 6 miles in the wrong direction, and are pretty much out of ideas as to what to do next. After all, it ain't like there's a bus out there waiting to take dipshit hikers who can't figure out how to walk in a circle back to their Chevy Astro's.

If only we had room in our compact to take the Dad and one of their pasty white sons back over the mountain to fetch their car and save the family outing. Wait a tic...we DO have room! In fact, we have room for them, us, the dog, and the entire Indiana University Marching Band. But, the "Marching Hundred" are smart enough to bring a compass with them, even on day hikes, and thus made it out in one piece. So, just Mr. Woodsy and son then.

Best moment of the car ride? When the dad tried to assure the Velogirl and I that him and his were "savvy hikers." Umm...you walked 6 miles in the wrong direction! You would think that someone in this Huron tracker party would have noticed that the sun was on the same side the entire time, even when they were supposed to be walking home. Or that NOTHING looked familar. Not so. not. so.

NOW...if we had gotten a compact, I'm not sure we would have been able to help this family out and get so much schaudefreude comedy gold to boot. So, even though the MAH-KEY was absolutely the wrong car for us, it was the right car for those lost, slightly directionally challenged folks. So, way to go karma.

Oh, and we TOTALLY got a great looking pumpkin on the way home. It is the "Lord of All Pumpkins." Perfect size, perfectly round shape, and a bright orange hue. I would take a picture to show you, but I believe photographing pumpkins takes their soul away. Call me old fashioned if you wish.

I TEST FOR YOU: Capital Bikeshare

Hi there Tuesday campers. Not to rub it in, but I had a really great weekend. It was a total Mary Poppins, i.e. practically perfect in every way. The one hiccup? I managed to break not one, but TWO spokes on Lo'retty riding with the VeloGirl on Friday. (See? told you the weekend was awesome.) So, i needed to take the wheel down to my local bike shop to get repaired, which is about 2.5 miles away. Normally, I would just ride the bike down there...except, I COULDN'T ride my bike down there, on account of the two broken spokes. What to do?

At first, I was all bummed out, because I was going to have to ride the...sigh...bus there. There is NOTHING I dislike more than riding the bus. Oh sure, the bus has it's place, don't get me wrong. Like when it rains. Or, when I feel like experiencing terrible new odors. But not on a Saturday, when it is a sunny, humidity free 80 degrees outside. No one should have to bus it on a day like that.

Just when I was ready to commit the ultimate sin against a beautiful weekend day and head down to the stop, I remembered this new Capital Bikeshare program. Actually, I never forgot about it. I just didn't want to pay for an annual membership for one day's worth of errands. But then, after consulting their website, I discovered that I could buy a 24 hour, unlimited ride pass for 5 bucks.

(Cue Matt doing happy dance)

Once again, the mighty bicycle had saved me from the noose of public transit. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Okay, maybe a little, but just for emphasis.

Sure, I could have kept the entire experience of using Bikeshare to myself. But how does that benefit the bicycle curious portion of mankind? It don't. So, I figured I would give you all an update of how this program REALLY functions, using three randomly chosen categories I arbitrarily created in order to judge it.

Each category is graded on a scale from one to 5. "1" being, 'I'd rather take the Bus', "5" being 'Hella-awesome!'. Without further ado:

Category 1: Station Convenience/Ease of Use -- 5

Put in my native tongue, the ease of use factor is wicked high. Especially since there is a station four row houses away at the end of my block. In fact, 14th Street seems to be the backbone of this system--during my ride, I spotted five other stations along a two mile stretch. Repeat, FIVE stations within a two mile stretch. None of which were anywhere near a metro stop, interestingly enough.

Getting the bike is easy enough. You swipe your credit card at the bike rack and tell them what type of membership you would like. At that point, they spit out a little code number that you bring to the bike you would like to rent. You type in the code on the keypad next to said velocipede, a light turns green, and you pull the bicycle off the rack. Could not be easier.
When you get to a station near where you want to stop and walk around, you just pull your bike up to the station, stick the front wheel into the rack, and the bike locks itself to the unit automatic-like. Real impressive, and real simple.

Category 2: Bike Comfort and Ride--3.5


The bike itself is kind of a mixed bag. I dig the overall shape of the bike, especially the fenders, the top tube styling and the basket in front, which comes with a bungee cord for securing whatever items you don't want to fall out--like a bicycle wheel, in my instance.

But, the bike is HEAVY. Too heavy if ya asks me.

To compensate for the weight, they have geared this three speed bicycle real low. The result is a bicycle that is easy to pedal, which makes it fun to ride most of the time. But, it is also easy to pedal until there is no more resistance, or until one "spins out", if you like. I did this alot, even in the highest gear on flat ground, and I am not a speed demon. So, my suggestion would be: make the bike a little lighter or use a higher range of gears. Or both.

In should also be mentioned that this bicycle hates, HATES hills even more than I do. Just a goddamn chore to push it up that 6 block 14th street hill that leads to Columbia Heights. In the lowest gear, you might as well get off and walk. Your only chance is to put it in the highest gear and pedal JUST slow enough so that you don't spin out. In other words, it was the definition of tedium.

Category 3: Overall BikeShare Utility--4

It has to be said that I rather enjoyed my experience on the bike, and it really helped me out of a tight spot. I like riding high in the saddle on a cruiser style once in a while--it really is fun to take in the sights at a gentleman's pace. However, even in my neck of the woods where stations are plentiful, I have a hard time envisioning this service helping me out with more than one errand here or there that I can't perform on my regular ride. Would I recommend a full year's membership to someone who is looking to start commuting to work? Probably. But for the rest of us, it just makes more sense to keep it in mind only when and if we need an extra set of two wheels.

Thursday City Life--Gunplay Edition

Fall is supposed to be the time we, as a northern dwelling people, start to break out the sweaters, maybe put away the hawaiian shirts, watch the leaves change color, and carve some sort of scary face out of a pumpkin.

But, here in the olde District, it's also time for gangs to increase their shooting of each other. In the past month or so in wards 1 and 4, we've had five shootings, two during the day. One of them was at a funeral at 12:30 in the afternoon. Some of these have ended in deaths, some of them have just ended in a neighborhood being shook up at having their block turned into a shooting gallery. And, all of this is unacceptable, unless you're in a gang and are looking to move up in the ranks. Then, I guess this is how you do it. And then you're put in jail for murder.

What really makes this awful is the fact this summer was relatively peaceful here. The Velogirl and I were settling in to the neighborhood, the Wonderdog was beloved by adults and children wherever he walked, and I even managed to start this blog.

My hope is that this sort of thing is an ebb and flow deal. I mean, eventually the police have to say to themselves, "Hey, people seem to be shooting at each other in a 5 block radius. Let's send a few more foot patrols up there to discourage it from taking place." But, right now, there are areas of my own neighborhood I don't feel comfortable walking the Wonderdog during the day, and that's the first time that's happened. Ever.

There are a many great things that are wonderful about city life. And, things are moving forward. And times like these make the peaceful times even sweeter. But right now, city life is bumming me out.

Congress: We Need to Talk

Congress, especially the Senate, are two bodies of government that do NOT usually make my christmas card list. And, there are a few reasons for that. For firsts, most members usually have to be dragged kicking and screaming to enact any meaningful legislation that may change the status quo. As as we all know, the status is anything but quo.

For seconds, even if meaningful legislation gets to a vote, some no-name from some tiny backwater county will add five amendments to it, change the nature of the bill, and manage to nuke the whole process. Just some recent examples? The Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal and the DC Voting Rights Act. Both of these were good changes that got sidetracked by politics and greed. So, way to go elected officials.

For Thirds, Congress really only cares about passing legislation that panders to either the elderly or the very dumb. And, they usually manage to pass said legislation around the time of an election.

Cue last week's little gem, which, as luck would have it, was passed right before the midterm elections: The "Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation" Act, or CALM. Basically, it's a bill that makes sure that television commercials can't be louder than the actual program.

Let me be clear: I am 100% behind this idea. It's annoying to watch a program and then have the LOUD commercial come on, forcing you to turn the TV down and up multiple times during a one hour program.

However, I am unclear why it took an ACT OF CONGRESS to get this change made. I mean, doesn't this seem like something the FCC could have taken care of, oh, i don't know, in 1950? I guess the FCC ruled in 1984 that there was no "fair" way to write a regulation limiting the sound of commercials on TV. That's my new favorite example of a bureaucracy throwing up their hands and saying, "There's nothing we can do, even though there is, but we kinda just don't feel like looking into it further." Attaboy!

Again, I'm not a sound engineer, but there is a way to keep levels the same when mixing sound--i know because the sound of the actual TV shows does not vary wildly, which means SOMEONE mixed the sound level down to keep it consistent. So, doesn't it follow that commercials couldn't be mixed in the same way? And that it wouldn't take an act of Congress to do it? It just boggles the mind.

This, in a nutshell, is why I am conditioned to think anyone who runs for national office is a dbag.

Rain is Here, oh Joy!

I don't know how people in rainforests/pacific northwestern locales live like this. For the past, oh I don't know, week or so? the greater DC area has been getting soaked by rain. It's raining right now, it rained last night, and it's supposed to rain this afternoon and into tonight. In fact, I personally have only seen the sun once in the past seven days. This has not helped my mood, despite being surrounded by really awesome friends for the majority of that time. Let's face it: I'm cranky.

I can't abide by this lack of sun. Maybe it's just my Vitamin D deficiency talking, but right now I am not excited about anything. Not Fall, not sweater weather, not EPL soccer. Of course, that last one has something to do with the way that butcher Nigel de Jong tackles.

(How did he get away without a card for this tackle? What does he have to do to get a reputation as a dirty player? HE BROKE SOMEONE'S LEG WITH A TACKLE, THE SECOND LEG HE'S BROKEN WITH A SLIDE TACKLE IN THE PAST 6 MONTHS. Not to mention his drop kick on Xabi Alonso during the World Cup Final)

I don't get this way during the winter--even during that week in January, when the Velogirl and I were living in Chicago, and the weather stayed below zero for seven straight days. There were, believe it or not, sunny days mixed in there.

Nope, I haven't experienced this level of malaise since the day after game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. And no, I'm not going to post a link of that--I'm still not ready to watch highlights of that game again. I hope Grady Little has trouble sleeping.

All of this has led me to ask y'all a question:

Would you Rather?:

Live in a mostly wet, although at times, breathtaking part of the world? (Think Ireland, many parts of Hawai'i, Vancouver).

OR

Live in a dry, less verdant area of the world? (Think Southern Spain/Portugal, Arizona).

Today, I know which way I would vote. Someone airlift me out of this land of cold rain and puddles!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go chug a carton of milk and try to get these cranky pants surgically removed.