City Life--Spanish Accordion Edition

What I'm about to say will officially make me the largest, hairiest, ugliest hypocrite in the history of people talking out of both sides of their mouths:  I HATE living next to people who are learning a musical instrument.  As TIACAICTG studios is located in one of those there DC row houses, this issue has finally raised it's ugly head with my neighbor: stage left.  He is teaching himself the Spanish accordion for a few hours each morning.  And I'm thinking about jamming toothpicks in my ears as a result.

What makes the Spanish accordion Spanish, you ask?  I would say, played properly, it sounds like THIS.  And it is featured in lots of latin american songs.  Truth be told, I have a soft spot in my heart for the accordion: It makes me think of polkas, which makes me think of dancing, which makes me think of prancing around a wedding reception dancefloor half-cocked, which makes me smile.

However, there is NOTHING more painful than listening to someone try to learn the goddamn accordion.  It's all wheezing and random clusters of notes.  It sounds like a Alban Berg mashup. (DAMN YOU 12 Tone Technique!) In fact, I have ranked the instruments you DON'T want your fledgling musician next door to ever try and learn.  The list looks like this:


INSTRUMENTS THAT SHOULD ONLY BE LEARNED WHILE SITTING IN A SOUNDPROOF, UNDERGROUND BUNKER 1500 FEET FROM THE NEAREST PERSON:

5) Guitar--I would say that the guitar CAN be learned peacefully without disturbing one's neighbors.  But Leo Fender screwed us all when he invented cheap, accessible electric guitars that your local 15 year old can pick up and play in his garage at all hours of the day/night.  The rule of thumb being, the worse you are, the LOUDER YOU WANT TO BE WHILE TRYING TO LEARN.  So crank it up and run through "Smoke on the Water" again why don't ya?

4) Piano--We all love the piano.  It is, in my opinion, the perfect instrument.  But not when some asshole is banging out "The Entertainer" for the 700th time, and (s)he only knows the beginning part, and (s)he keeps FUCKING it UP!  So, into the soundproof cave until you can play the Charlie Brown walking theme.  That is all.

3) Any brass instrument, including the trombone, tuba or trumpet--loud and boring all.  At least at first.  Plus, the trombone tends to be wildly out of tune, and a new tuba player usually just makes sounds reminiscent of a fat asthmatic after climbing a flight of stairs.  At least, while they're learning.

2) Drums--I know what you're thinking..."how can drums only be number 2?".  Well, it's true. Drums suck to live next door to, for sure.  But, your saving grace as a neighbor is this: the other people living inside that house with the drummer are in the same circle of hell you are, times 10.  This usually leads family members to quarantine the newbie fairly quickly. That's why all unused drum kits can always be found in the farthest reaches of basements, surrounded by walls covered with egg cartons and tapestries.  Scientific fact. 

1) Accordion--Just awful.  Sen.(ita) is playing right now as I write this.  I need to take an anti-anxiety med and go lay down.

And yes, just so you know, I'm completely aware that TWO of the instruments I learned to "play" in my boyhood home, with my entire family downstairs watching TV, are on this list.  I'm not entirely sure how anyone who I put through that hell (TWICE!) is still on speaking terms with me, to be honest.  But, no one ever complained.  Not even my sister, who, at least in those days, was annoyed by the mere mention of my name.  Never mind while enduring the musical abortion that was me trying to learn "Crazy Train".  Loudly.

So, thanks family.  You truly have the patience of saints.  Or, you jammed q-tips through the eardrum membrane in 1987 to preserve your sanity.  Either way, I really appreciate it.