Who Ate All the Pies?

I have a problem with any pastry that comes in a round shape and contains filling. Most people call these confections by their proper name: pies. I call them, "things that do not last more than two days in my house if I am home and can procure a clean-ish fork."

I love pie. There is not a pie I don't like, in fact--Savory or Sweet, it makes no difference to me. Down the chute it goes.

A good slice of pie would be part of my death row meal. What's that? You want to know what would be the rest of my death row meal? Glad you asked. It would include a really good italian cold cut grinder, preferably from The Italian Store in Arlington, VA. To drink, it would be a pint of Guinness, and I would probably like a little macaroni salad on the side, as well as some good sour cream and onion chips. Don't have to worry about my breath when I'm going to take the dirt nap, after all.

(My breath starts to stink just looking at this bag. I do love a good stinky chip though, Lord help me.)

But, the hardest part of putting together this meal, aside from contemplating what I've done to land on death row in the first place, would be to decide which slice of pie I would like to be my very last.

So, without further ado, here's how I would count down my top five choices for death row meal pie. It goes without saying that all of these pies would have been baked by expert pie bakers, on par with the fictional pie maker from "Pushing Daisies."

5) Apple Pie--If it's to be a fall execution, I could do a lot worse for m'self. Maybe a little gruyere baked into the crust to put it over the top? Hell yeah! What are we holding back for?

4) Coconut Cream Pie--The only non-fruit pie to make my top 5. Served really cold, with a little extra coconut on the top. Yes please!

3) Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie--The "YETI" of pies (often talked about, seldom seen). The perfect blend of sweet and tart and sweet. I scour farmers markets in the spring and summer looking for this one, but always come away empty handed. Also doubles as a possible motive for why I'm on death row in the first place, as I would consider pushing someone down a flight of stairs for a freshly made one of these. Here's what it looks like:

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2) Pumpkin Pie--An example of everything that is good about pie. Even non-pie eaters confess to enjoying a slice of this "at Thanksgiving". Me? anytime, anywhere is good. I pretty much eat this pie until I run out of whipped cream to finish it off. And if, by some act of God, I happen to have a full can of readi-whip at my disposal? Well, you better have a buffer pie hidden somewhere, because you're not getting any. I've seen 500 so-called gourmet recipes for this pie, but my favorite is still the one on the pumpkin can. On my tombstone it may very well read: "Husband. Dog Owner. Not a Pie Snob."

1) Cherry Pie--I am biased on this one a little bit, as I have just eaten three slices of this particular pie in the last 48 hours. But, for my money, there isn't a better pie. It's good hot or cold, with ice cream or on it's own. Plus, it works so well with any kind of cherry your region may grow. I prefer a sour cherry, just because I like that first hint of tartness followed by sugary goodness. And the cherry tree is more than just a one hit wonder pie factory. I mean, when's the last time you admired a piece of furniture made out of macintosh wood? I rest my case.

(Hmm...do they make a dwarf version I can plant in my front yard?)